Friday, July 31, 2009

Ive been the worst blogger....

I am so sorry for not posting sooner but so much has been going on...


Well, my dad was hospitalized over the weekend because his right leg was bothering him. Well, he is still there and they found that his heart is bad and now his mind doesnt seem clear at all. In fact, he has been saying some pretty off the wall things. He told me that the nurse and doctor were a husband and wife team at an apartment they had him at! Oh gosh, I am sick over this with him. We've been through so much already - he had a transplant in 2000 after years of being sick and my hubby and caring for him since I was 19! Yes, life was delayed before and now it seems history is repeating itself!

I feel so down over his condition and the fact that I still can't have my surgery. I just want my surgery! I weigh 240.8 again! The shitty part is that I've been going to the gym everyday, everyday!!! Not once or twice here and there, everyday!!! I need my band!!!

Please hang in there with me...I'll keep you posted!!!

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Next week is an option...

I talked with the nurse yesterday and the coordinator. They have advised me that one solid week on the Optifast is good enough and they could band me next week. I have to go to my regular doc and get clearance since I have this dumb allergy thing going on - then its a go! I'm nervous still but with the 5 lbs I've gained the past few days I'm thinking I shouldn't look back!

KEEP THE COMMENTS COMING LADIES...I need to hear what you're saying :) Thank you so much!!!

Monday, July 20, 2009

No band today :(

Today has been so weird for me. Over the weekend I wasnt feeling well and finally yesterday I called and cancelled my surgery. Ive been so torn since then. I didnt even get a call back from the doc but the nurse did call me 2 times today. I missed her calls then she was already gone for the day.

Im torn because I wonder if the surgery is right for me. I feel like I couldnt even handle the pre-op diet so for me I cheated. Not really cheated but I did. My dreams of a 15-20 lb weightloss during pre-op have come and gone. My doc doesnt have another appointment until September I found out last week during a conversation with the insurance coordinator.

I dont know what to do. I worry about have the band in my body for SO many years I hopefully have left in my life (could be 50!) - if I lose weight, if not, who knows?

Today was supposed to be the first day to the rest of my life...NOT!!! :(

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Struggling with everything...

Well, today is supposed to be day 11 of my pre-op diet of only shakes right? WRONG!!! I've totally had to change my diet due to low blood sugars. Yes, the nurse has approved it but the messed up part is that I have eaten some carbs. I've only lost 6 lbs and I feel like I totally failed already. I'm not giving up on the surgery totally but I'm concerned that the doc will not do it once he sees I didnt have the 10 lb weight loss the nurse said I should. I don't know if I'm getting freaked out for nothing but I feel like I should starve myself until Monday.

Ok...that was my vent. About the 6 lbs...I can totally see a difference in my body. I know it sounds weird cause its just 6 lbs but I must have lost inches too! I cannot wait to have more results after my band.

I just keep praying I'm doing the right thing.

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Skinny to me

Skinny is different to everyone. I use the word often so I figured I would clarify what I meant by that.

Skinny is not weighing 110lbs.

I could consider myself "skinny" at 150. For me, I wear a size 8 or 10. Well, at least the 8s and 10s as they were back in high school!

I can shop in any store and the clothes fit.

I can go anywhere and not be the "fattest" one there.

No one will ever say, "wow you don't look like you have triplets!" Looking me up and down cause they meant inside my body right now!

My babies will never be embarassed of their mother because of her weight.

The attention I get is because I am smart, pretty, funny, fun and interesting!

This is just the beginning of skinny for me.

Pre-op diet & program fee

Ok the complaining isn't going to be as bad as the other day :)

I still have to basically drink them down but not as bad as it was initially. The chocolate is the best. The vanilla is going to need to be mixed with coffee. Im trying strawberry tonight at work.

I'm done cheating cause thats what it was. I'm sticking to shakes only. I've got to make sure that I have 5 per day. I have yet to do that.

Tomorrow and forward I will be perfect. I already ate a couple bites of chicken at lunch so I ruined today but I havent messed up since.

Program fee...I just found out that I owe an additional $250! I was put off by this and then I realized that if I was told I could be skinny (as I call it) I would pay anything. So whats another $250. Its worth it!

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Pre-Op Diet....I am obsessed with food!!!

Ok...totally not going well. I hate the shakes, they taste awful. I almost threw up trying to drink one down quickly in the car this morning. I'm supposed to have NO FOOD, 5 shakes and 1 snack bar a day.

Who the hell can do this for 14 days???? I dont think its me! I honestly dont. I think this is bull$h#t! I dont know that Im going to make it through. Tonight at work I got really sick - light headed, confused, weak, etc! I wanted to start working out can I do that with this?

The only good news is that I lost 1.2 lbs in just one day. I will weigh in first thing in the morning and see what happened after today.

I am absolutely positively obsessed with food!!! I can't stop thinking about the fact that I cannot have it. I am so mad at myself that I did this to myself and have to go to such extremes because I didnt control myself with FOOD. I feel guilty & cant wait to see some results so I can just move on from this bitching and complaining. I want to start being proud and bragging about the bangin body Im going to have!!! LOL!

We will see what the scale brings tomorrow ;0